Photography as Meditation: The Friday Flower. A new series. Sometimes just photos. Sometimes with writing. Sometimes on Fridays.
inner and outer light. © 2009 Mahala Mazerov
I had another post almost ready to go this morning, just a few tweaks needed before hitting the publish button. But after a meltdown that’s been building for days, I looked at what I’d written and it seemed too distant and controlled compared to the raw state I’m in. I offer this to you instead and promise, some day, to learn brevity.
I know without question we all possess an inner light. Our true nature is perpetually pure and unstained. But we also have thoughts, desires, emotions, egos that mask our pristine nature. Sometimes we go searching for our light, but it’s hidden behind heavy clouds and storms.
I’ve been slogging my way through weeks with my inner light almost completely obscured. I’m depleted. I’m scattered and distracted. I can’t focus my attention for any period of time. I can’t meditate. I can’t hold my center.
My acupuncturist understands and can explain all of this to me. She takes my pulse, looks at my tongue and tells me precisely why I’m experiencing this state.
That used to make me feel better. Ah, I’m not the least disciplined person on the face of the earth. Oh, this exhaustion is real and it’s not about pushing harder. Thank you, I’m not going crazy.
But it’s been too long and explanations are not helping me at all.
I believe in the absolute preciousness of this life. And every night I go to bed heartbroken and dissatisfied with myself. Another day has gone by, has been used but not used well. I am wasting my rare and precious life in meaningless distractions. All the explanations in the world can’t help me feel better about that.
I reach for the outer light that pulls me forward, the Bodhisattva path. Love and compassion so strong that one vows to free all beings from suffering. Something in my heart catches, then falls. I’ve been guiltily avoiding my meditation table. I’m not even managing the reading that fills my heart. I am failing at this, too.
All of this pours out in an unexpected call with a dear friend, Marybeth. May everyone have a Marybeth. I have never known anyone who could hold space with such love. She can find (and speak of!) the magnificence in every being. I am in awe of her.
Marybeth listens. She waits. And then she says “You’re still my role model.”
“Role model for what?” I challenge her. I expect her to come up with something that is really Marybeth in disguise. But she says…
“Grace. You carry a grace through everything you do and it is stunning.”
Because I’m just this close to self-hatred there’s no room for humility. I will own this because it’s the only thing that will save me from drowning right now.
I tell her the one thing I’ve been doing well is recognizing how completely painful this is, knowing how much others struggle, and asking to take it away from them and carry it all on myself. It’s the Buddhist practice of Tonglen, Taking and Sending. That is the grace she is seeing.
“It’s enough,” I say. “It’s everything,” she says.
It’s become so internalized through years of meditation that I don’t think about it. It’s my nearly automatic response to suffering. What continues to deepen over time is the conviction in my heart as I practice.
“I forgot. I forgot I was doing it,” I say through tears.
In that moment, outer and inner light appear in my heart. They merge. They are one and the same in essence. It’s only worldly confusion that keeps them separate. That same confusion is the cause of suffering.
May all beings be free from suffering!
Mahala, I love your writing and with each word felt that I was in a similar journey this week. My inner and outer light collided last night while writing my post and somehow it has helped me jump out of bed this morning with a bit more spring in my step.
I’m especially glad that I did, because I got to read this.
Thank you and much love to you
xxx
Marilyn´s last blog ..Putting life into my time, time into my dreams
LuV it!!!
honesty….
courage….
XO
STeLLa
ps. have a happy Fri. <3
STeLLa´s last blog ..StAnD up for GaZa…do the right thang!!! xox
Recently, I spent an entire week prior to my Dad’s birthday dreading that day. He passed away 4.5 yrs ago and I have missed him so much. I received an email from the Sunday Services that I’ve been to on occasion, stating that the Tibetan Monks would be there on that very day. I had heard they would be there and really wanted to attend, but had almost made up my mind that I’d be too tired, or too sad to go. I woke up that morning, feeling refreshed. The sun was shining, my cats were playing, and I said to myself, “This is a good Sunday.” I decided to go to the service.
They chanted a blessing for world peace. I felt so blessed to be a part of that. To have that right in front of me and I nearly stood in the way of myself. The messages I received from that service were:
Allow yourself to be who you really are.
Self experiences Self through others.
Undo the small ego through forgiveness. (my take was forgiveness of self and others)
I am so glad I went.
I remember some months ago reading about breathing in the troubles, concerns, and heaviness of the world, feeling them as they pass through, then exhaling love. I used to do this during meditation at Yoga. Something inside me tells me I read this in your sharing on Twitter. It reminds me of you.
You are loved. Thank you for your words :)
Shannon
Once upon a time, studying medieval literature, I learned the knightly virtues: courage, generosity, compassion, loyalty, steadfastness, self-sacrifice, and nobility of bearing.
How lovely and unexpected to find them embodied here, in the writing of someone I feel so lucky to know.
Melynda´s last blog ..Gothic Lolita: I Make Dresses!
Twitter: melyndahuskey
Mahala,
I wouldn´t call it defeat.
It may sound supernatural to many, but when the Vedic scripture and Buddha confirmed that one of the nature of material life on the material universe is suffering, it is true. Scientifically, human body can be separated from the spiritual soul. When the body feels emotions, it is not the perfect and enlightened which is suffering. It is the body. It is the mercy of our masters that they remind us how to transcend and not forget that we are not these bodies.
It is the body that suffers, not the spiritual soul.
When the body is in pain, it is basically chemically, physically, because of the temperature, the food we eat, the chemical reactions which happens in the body. All these contribute to a change in mood, attitude or behavior. So no matter how advance we are in meditation or in spiritual path, when the human body is sick, it is sick. We are definitely allowed to rest from meditation.
When I was in the temple as brahmacari monk, we are trained to meditate. But only in the most perfect condition. That means, we are neither hungry nor full, neither sick nor sleepy. Being depressed does not always it originated from too much thinking. It is mainly chemical, the body is experiencing changes, hormonal perhaps. It is true that it can become mental, which means one starts to behave extremely because of the change of moods.
Now, I am a caregiver, I noticed this with our dementia or alzheimer patients. Although a patient has been very kind in most of his life, dementia can influence change of character, and loss of orientation. it has nothing to do with the patient being evil intentionally, when he shouts at me, that I am such an “a****le”. The body has changed and takes over the mind. It can happen, when it is one´s karma. But since we are not these bodies, I am not Vincent, You are not Mahala, but the spiritual souls that we all are, we don´t have to worry. Let the body feel what it feels and let go, that is what we were told.
I experience this too. Sometimes more than weeks, sometimes a few hours. I have a blood pressure problem and have tried a few combinations of medicines. I noticed how I changed moods and I hated myself for not being able to control myself. Physically, I have constant diarrhea because of the medicine. Food and the change in temperature (winter) also influences my moods. I do not intentionally want to hurt others by my depressive mood. I would write email or send SMS to people I think I hurt and tell them to understand me at the moment because my body is taking over and I am too weak to control my moods.
I wish you will be healthy again physically. Let´s not worry about our real selves. The real self trascends this material experiences. He is blissful, eternal and all-knowledge. I always say, Somebody please remind me these, for one day, my body will forget. :)
I love the way you write – a great post and inspiring.
Dear Mahala,
What a beautiful post! It’s such a wonderful reminder about how the mind will take our humanness and our limitations and our suffering to then create more suffering. And how it blinds us with confusion about who we really are. Thank the goddess for the Mary Beth’s in the world who can see through that veil so clearly to the core of light and love that is always there.
And thank YOU for being such a wonderful role model and pathfinder for how to continue to make that ongoing journey to love.
chris zydel´s last blog ..Ghost Ranch 2009: Bringing The Magic Of Being On Retreat Back Home
Wow, that was a really inspiring post! It’s really a beautiful thing, the idea of Tonglen being so fully integrated into your life. It’s like, so many aspects of your life are the embodiment or the expression of Tonglen. I agree with an earlier commenter that your Twitter posts are very much in the spirit of Tonglen. It’s like, whenever I see that you’ve posted something on Twitter or on your blog, I know it’s going to be something sweet, kind, and inspiring. It’s nice to have such a source of light on the internet!
I know without question we all possess an inner light. Our true nature is perpetually pure and unstained. But we also have thoughts, desires, emotions, egos that mask our pristine nature. Sometimes we go searching for our light, but it’s hidden behind heavy clouds and storms.
I think that inner light is our default and we let the sorrow and darkness of the world forget it. Thank you for the beautiful reminder!
Twitter: africankelli
mahala…again your writing is as beautiful and visual as your beautiful flower posted. your words truly resonate with me this morning on the sunday after my art reception. it was a huge success, i was happy, free, playful and loving the energy/vibes created within my gallery/warehouse space. so, why was i feeling deep inside a lack of something i have only begun to identify with?
sometimes life in samsara is just that, humans trying so hard that we forget what “IS”.
oh, my dear friend thank you, immensely and immeasurably for your kind words…and may ALL beings find happiness free from suffering.
hazel
hazel colditz´s last blog ..attachment
thank you for this as I so often struggle to even believe I have an inner light – so good to hear this honest raw beautiful truth… and sending you sweetness and love.
Jennifer Louden´s last blog ..The Fearless Factor & Self-Care: Guest post from Jacqueline Wales
Mahala,
what an extraordinary photo and post. I am so glad to know you and have you in my life.
love,
Didi
I have been basking in the love and insight of all these comments. Thank you. It is amazing to go from being so raw to so comfortable with my own life. Your thoughts are such a part of that.<3
Marilyn ~ I hope the spring in your step continues. The blog post you wrote is beautiful. Thanks for the love, I send it right back to you.
STeLLa I value your courage and your authentic voice, too.
Shannon Thank you so much this beautiful story. I’m so glad the Tibetans were there, chanting on what would have been your Dad’s birthday. I know that I’m a bit biased, but I always feel blessed in the presence of Tibetan monks. I’m glad you received their healing gifts and wisdom on that day.
“breathing in the troubles, concerns, and heaviness of the world, feeling them as they pass through, then exhaling love” Yes. That’s a description of Tonglen meditation practice. It probably was me. :) On Twitter. :) Makes me happy… Much love to you.
Melynda Your knightly virtues – courage, generosity, compassion, loyalty, steadfastness, self-sacrifice, and nobility of bearing – remind me of the 6 Paramitas or Perfections in Buddhism. Generosity, ethics, patience, joyous effort / perseverance, concentration and wisdom. (Some traditions signify 10 Perfections.) All in all, excellent guidance for living!
Vincent ~ Thank you for your insights and loving-kindness. You are right, I experience much what is happening to my body as various aspects of chemical imbalance. One challenge is to not feel powerless because much of this is beyond my control. For example my health is seriously effected by damp weather. When I see days of rain ahead in the weather forecast, I have to work with my mind not to become depressed in advance.
I was so interested in your words about being a brahmacari monk, and trained to meditate “only in the most perfect conditions. That means, we are neither hungry nor full, neither sick nor sleepy.” Certainly I understand not doing anything that would cause yourself harm, such as doing a meditation practice that was too intense or asked you to fast and so forth. But for me, meditation is where I remember I am not this body. It’s where I’ve built a life founded on loving and compassion – that cannot be limited by any aspect of health, wealth or outward events. Also, my illness has been a source of inspiring me of wanting to meditate further for the benefit of others. I recognize how small my troubles are compared to most. And I also realize how short this lifespan is, and how we never know when it may end. In the midst of this illness, I say to myself, well, who knows this may be as healthy as I ever feel again in this lifetime. So I can’t stop meditation.
Finally, I delight in these words of yours “Let´s not worry about our real selves. The real self transcends [these] material experiences.” Thank you, Vincent.
Stephanie ~ Thank you for taking time to read and comment. I’m happy with whatever inspiration you may find here.
Chris ~ “…the mind will take our humanness and our limitations and our suffering to then create more suffering …it blinds us with confusion about who we really are.” I often wonder why we / I still haven’t learned yet. Ahhhh, practice!
Thank you so much for your kind words. And absolutely (!) “Thank the goddess for the Marybeth’s in the world.”
OK, I must run now. Will thank the rest of you lovelies when I’m back at my computer.
Twitter: LuminousHeart
Thank you for sharing this! I’m so glad your friend helped you remember your light. May we all, in our hard times, remember what we’re already doing to help ourselves and the world.
Sonia Connolly’s latest article Haunted by Shame? Change Your Committee!
Beautiful picture. I think we all go thru these diffucult places. When I find myself not feeling well I like to listen to dharma talks on you tube. I really like listening to the buddist society of Western Australia. Also sometimes doing a little yoga centers me. These are just a couple things I do to get thru the difficult places in life. Hope this finds you feeling happy and healthy today.