At the most basic level, the definition of suffering is wanting things to be different than the way they are.
We crave things we don’t have. We try to push away things we have but don’t want. In these ways we unintentionally create our own suffering.
I live with a brain injury that significantly influences my life energy. In addition, I’m dealing with new health challenges that have left me extremely limited since January.
Until recently, I was okay with things as they were. Not okay in that it was what I wanted. But okay meaning I wasn’t banging up against resistance or great discouragement.
I didn’t love my situation. But I was able to see it as a matter of going step-by-step, doing one thing at a time. Things weren’t fun. But I wasn’t expending additional energy battling against my situation or wanting things to be different.
In Buddhist practice, we are reminded again and again we can take adversity as the path. In other words, we can face adversity, bow to it, and use it as a means of cultivation.
My daily challenge has been to embrace the shifting experiences as best I can, take the hardship as fuel for love, compassion and patience. As a believer in karma, I also see it as an opportunity to purify past actions.
On the outside, yes, my life was significantly limited. But in inner terms of heart and mind I was doing pretty well.
Until two weeks ago.
What changed was I suddenly wanted things to be different. My beloved Garchen Rinpoche is teaching in Boston in mid-June and I wanted to be there. I planned to be there. I was going to see Rinpoche, meet a friend coming down from Vermont, walk the streets of Boston and Cambridge where I lived 14 years ago, catch up with dear friend I hadn’t seen since then, meet a twitter playmate face to face for the first time…
I had time in the schedule for rest and quiet, but I was envisioning great energy, relaxed meals in good company, and joyful dharma.
All of which meant taking things one step at a time was no longer good enough. No longer acceptable. I wanted energy to travel. I wanted to not be short of breath with the slightest exertion. I wanted to breeze through crowded airports, thrive in a bustling meditation center. I wanted to be up and about and functional and energetic instead falling down with exhaustion. I wanted to not need control over my environment or assurances of peace and quiet or guaranteed gluten free food.
I wanted things to be different than they actually are.
Wanted, wanted, wanted, wanted.
Do you see? I’m not saying there is anything wrong with wanting things to be different. I’m talking about the results of those desires.
I watched my mind become entangled with these concepts of I need, I want. I observed. But I couldn’t stop them. I flip flopped between wanting to go and deciding I needed to stay. I wondered if it was just a matter of trusting things would work out, all the while feeling life was falling apart. What was the difference between being exhausted here and exhausted there? I wouldn’t have my own bed. I would have Rinpoche and Buddhist teachings. Maybe seeing him was the best possible thing for me. And having a bit of a vacation. And seeing friends.
For over 5 intensely difficult months my mental landscape had been relatively calm. Now I watched my thoughts spin out, creating stress and unhappiness. Creating suffering. My mental landscape obscured by dust storms.
Just as suddenly, the storms subsided. Two days ago my doctor made a strong recommendation against travel. I made the decision to accept the disappointment of canceled plans and took her advice.
The disappointment is not easy.
I’m coming back to taking things as they are, and that’s decidedly not easy either. But I have a feeling taking adversity as the path is far easier than creating suffering in the name of desire.
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Oh, Mahala, what a heart-rending, beautiful post! It brought me to tears. There’s so much wisdom in acceptance. Even when our minds want what they want, our infinitely wiser hearts and bodies surrender to what is.
I wish for you all the blessings you would have received by going to visit your beloved Rinpoche. May the teachings live in you through your surrender, dear one.
Much love to you,
Hiro
Hiro Boga’s last blog post..When I grow up I want to be me . . .
Oh Mahala, thank you for this post. You have written so elegantly and so to the heart of the matter. It is something to chew over mindfully for me. I do not have to deal with the level of your challenges, but I too have to deal with fatigue, and a sort of brain challenge – migraines. They are a possibility every day.
But it is this teaching, that the adversity can be the path, can be the way, has been so helpful to me. Not that I’ve mastered it. I have good moments and bad ones, but when I can settle and realize I don’t have to suffer, even if in pain, even if I can’t do all I can do, it is so so very helpful.
Thank you. I needed this reminder today.
Blessings to you! And happy surprises.
Melissa Balmer’s last blog post..Letting Go & Focusing
Hiro, now I’m the one in tears! Your wish for me, all the blessings I would have received by going to see Rinpoche… My tears are raining down by your words and by knowing we are never separate from infinite blessings!
Thank you, once again, for your extraordinary loving kindness.
Twitter: LuminousHeart
Melissa, my heart goes out to you. Migraines (and the uncertainty of “is this going to be the day I have one?”) are such a challenge to live with. I pray they are few and far between for you and you can heal from them entirely.
Your words “when I can settle and realize I don’t have to suffer, even if in pain, even if I can’t do all I can do” are so powerful. They are words (and a practice) of extraordinary courage.
Twitter: LuminousHeart
Mahala, great post! I know I get frustrated when I can’t muster up the energy to be with other people, or to focus on my work. For me, this takes a productive turn in becoming my determination to safeguard my vitality and reminding me how precious it is. That is such difficult karma to work with – you have my respect, and my wishes for well-being. I’ll think of you as I go through my studies in Chinese medicine, maybe I’ll figure out a thing or two about energy, where it all comes from, and how to get a little back.
Mahala, sorry to contradict you. I think you ow it to yourself to go to Boston. It may not be as planed and for sure not everything will be perfect, but you will have to improvise and ask for help the way you never had to. If it ends up not being a good trip, it will help you find your new limitations.
In 2002 I was diagnosed with viral myocarditis and spent two weeks in a waiting list for a hart transplant (didn’t get one). Three months later my hart efficiency improved from 35 to 60 percent and at this point the doctor had me on 8 medications, lots of rest, and in death paranoia. I started helping my wife at work (our business) and an opportunity came up to go to Poland to see a new supplier. It was under that stressful and confusing situation, when I just bought the tickets and made the commitment to go no meter what. This changed the mood of my marriage and I felt the optimism to face the new challenge. In two months we got as ready as humanly posible and we where on our way to Europe. What where we thinking?
Here I am, seven years later, telling you it was the best thing I could ever have done for me and my family. I eventually got better and my quality of life is what I consider normal. I still have a few limitations, but I learned to LIVE with them.
It’s not desire, it’s the fear to stop living what keeps telling you to go.
Buen Viaje Mahala!
A very very touching writing.
For the past months I have been struggling with a strong desire for something I can’t get. The feeling of defeat together with the continuing desire are pure suffering! And although I feel I recover, every now and then I have relapses that throw me into hell.
But as Thich Nhat Hanh has put it: “Obstacles can be a form of liberation…Difficulties are required for success.”
We have to rely on that.
Greetings from Maria
What a beautiful and heart wrenching post. I have had to deal with similar losses and disappointments around various health issues and it is such a good reminder that even though there is suffering in the loss itself the added suffering of wanting things to be different is something we can always work with.
Thank you for your wisdom today!
Warmly,
Chris
chris zydel’s last blog post..Who Is YOUR Creative Alter Ego?
Jason ~ Thank you for your words. I suspect there are few people on the planet who don’t need to do a better job safeguarding their vitality. I’m just something of an extreme. It may be difficult karma to work with, but generally it’s very clear. (Except when I put myself in a spin, like this post.)
I am so excited to follow your journey in Chinese medicine. Excited for you, too.
Alex ~ I am so happy to hear how well things worked out for you! I really appreciate you sharing the other side of the possibility. There are times, such as your inspiring story, when there is no NO to moving forward in spite of circumstances. I’ve had such glorious experiences myself, which was part of me changing my mind then changing it back again.
What I’ve come to realize in the few days since writing this post is, canceling my plans, taking care of myself, and settling my mind are my ways of moving forward this time.
While there are truly blessings of being in Rinpoche’s (my Teacher) presence, there is no question that his blessings reach me right here where I am. There is no distance between hearts.
Maria ~ I am so sorry to learn of your struggles. Sometimes when we’ve had some recovery the relapses seem even more painful. I hope you are moving in the direction of healing on every level.
I love the Thich Nhat Hahn quote. “Obstacles can be a form of liberation… Difficulties are required for success.” Thank you for sharing it here.
Chris ~ I’m so sorry to hear you, too, have dealt with similar issues around health.
Yes, we can work with it! Isn’t that amazingly wonderful news? The one place each one of us has power is how we view our experience, what we do with our mind. That’s where I find my strength.
Twitter: LuminousHeart
What a beautiful and moving post, Mahala. Bless you for your courage and your wisdom. You model the dharma for me and I consider myself blessed to have found you.
Lynne Tolk’s last blog post..What if we ARE the fruit of the tree?
Mahala,
You are so ‘spot on’ as they say. I have been managing diabetes for over 10 years, and sometimes find myself really ‘wanting’ to not have to worry/think about what I eat, when I eat, how much I eat, etc. Often, when I remember that ‘wanting’ does not change anything and can be with what is, then I can see ways, or alternative ways to have or do or experience what it is I need and desire.
This usually this means that if I do the things I know I need to do for myself, from eating right, eating enough, laying down for 30 minutes after dinner, then I can do the things that I want to do and the things I need to do. So when you do travel, you can let the people that you are traveling with and/or visiting, know what you need and how they can help you take care of yourself so you can enjoy yourself. Something I need to remember is that when I include others at that level, it provides a lesson for all of us.
Rosaland Hannibal’s last blog post..Theme Thursday – Mindfulness
Mahala ~ found you via twitter (banjobunny) ~ this is just a lovely post, reminding me of how we do not live a flat existence, and joy is known through suffering. Your words touched me, and I bow to your generosity in sharing your experience. Wishing you ease, Susan
susan’s last blog post..Kitteh Kat & Komputah
Lynne ~ Thank you for your words. This kind of resonance means so much to me. We are tuning forks, vibrating to the same courage and compassion. I’m happy you’re here, looking forward to growing connection.
Rosalind ~ There’s a lot of wisdom in your words. Choosing, taking care of ourselves is important. Allowing others to be part of that care extends a gift to others.
Susan ~ “We do not live a flat existence.” How beautiful! May all beings live in ease. I bow in return.
Twitter: LuminousHeart
Hi Mahala,
Thanks for sharing this post w/ me, and inviting me to comment. I enjoy our Twitter exchanges-it feels good to expand our connection-as always!
I have a bit of a different view of life. .. let me share them, so that our worlds connect even further!
I see life in desire. I love and welcome my desires! They are only my friends because they are testaments of my soul’s knowing.
I suffer only when I turn my desires over to my mind-when I try to limit or manage them. I do best when I welcome my desires into my heart, as my life’s compass.
So, I view your desires to go to Boston, and spend time w/ those you love as your soul, saying “wait a second, I’m vibrantly alive and am ready to soak love up deep into my marrow!” Now, there are a zillion ways you can do that, yes? Only one of which is to go physically to Boston.
Maybe a question is “how do I welcome this gift of LIFE is so strong w/in me today?”
hmmmm, I believe I’ll practice this question myself today!
w/ much love,
Judy
Judy’s last blog post..Giving = Receiving
Mahala, thank you so much for a beautiful description of acceptance-in-action. It’s fairly easy to agree **theoretically** with the importance of detachment and accepting what is…it’s another thing entirely to accept such disappointment and physical limitation and make it a part of your practice the way you have here.
I also live with a condition that affects my energy in unpredictable ways…I say that only to explain that I can really empathize with you. And I will call upon this story for inspiration when I’m confronted by situations where I wantwantwant to do things but am limited in my ability to do them. Thank you for the reminder that I have a *choice* about how to handle my disappointment, and can choose to use it for increased self-awareness.
Michelle Russell’s last blog post..Active Ownership and Rolaids
What a wondrous post on suffering. Really and eye-opener in so many ways. Indeed all suffering comes from things to be different than they are right now. What’s more, once those conditions are met the rules change and we want something else.
Wanting, needing, craving… it stands in the way of experiencing joy in our every day life. Sometime it’s called Hedonic adaptation, no longer being content with what you have. (Even if it is everything you dreamed of a few months ago)
I doubt this thought will become mainstream though. As soon as we’re content with what we have the economy will crash because as consumers we’re defective.
Thank you for this post.
CHristiaanh’s last blog post..Stoic psychological tactics part four: Self-Denial
I’ve recently come back to attempting to practice mindfulness and acceptance, and wow, it’s a challenge. Especially when situations like the one you’ve described come up, and you can imagine alternate versions of reality that would be so much easier to accept. (For example, the overpass not having graffiti on it; land developers not chopping down trees). That’s the wall I come up against again and again. Then, every once in a while, I get it and say, okay, yeah, this makes sense. How can I do anything but accept reality? I mean, it’s already there. But, man, it’s a challenge.
Judy ~ Thank you so much for taking time to share your beautiful perspective. Lots of good food for thought there. Desires *can* pull us forward in wonderful ways. The desire to be kind, desire to be of service, even the desire to be happy can move us in positive directions.
At issue is the clinging to desires, which ultimately create suffering for us. Given you wrote “there are a zillion ways you can [be vibrantly alive and soak up love] … Only one of which is to go to Boston” Clearly you understand what I’m saying.
Michelle ~ Thank you for your words. I’m sorry to hear that you, too, struggle. I hope this post has helped in some small way. There are many things we have no power over. How we choose to respond is the one thing we have great power over.
ChristiaanH ~ “once those conditions [of getting what we want] are met the rules change and we want something else.” Brilliant and sadly true.
You may be right this will never become mainstream awareness. Our consumer economy certainly does not support the concept of contentment or “enough.” In the meantime, we have the individual freedom to recognize this self-perpetuating cycle of unhappiness and to act with awareness as best we can.
Becky ~ “How can I do anything but except reality?” It takes a kind of willingness to even do that, doesn’t it? Mindfulness and meditation practice are great supports for admitting the challenge head. Easy to say, harder to do. That’s why it’s called practice.
Twitter: LuminousHeart
Yeah, I know what you’re talking about in terms of disappointment coming from wanting things to be different than they are. I notice it comes for me when I’m wanting things to be different AND I feel helpless to change things.
I agree with you – there’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting things to be different. That’s how growth happens. We don’t have tomatoes and we want there to be something different in our kitchen (presence of tomatoes) so we go buy some. Nothing stressful about that.
So sometimes we can want something to be different and it can be empowering because we realize there are things we can do. Actions we can take that will get us closer toward what we want.
But when we don’t feel like there’s anything we can do, and we don’t see actions we can take, or there isn’t a way that we can affect things, that can be such a huge bummer.
Like wanting new tomatoes but then telling ourselves we don’t have enough money for them, or they’re not tasty, or in season, or it’s too far, or I’d have to get gas first, and I don’t have enough time, etc. That’s a recipe for disappointment related to wanting things to be different because we’re not seeing possibilities for how it could actually happen.
Love that you’re paying attention to yourself as you go through disappointment and desiring and all this stuff. I’ve been through many health challenges that have debilitated me in the past so I’m relating to your situation through my own story – really all that’s possible, eh? xoxox
Mona Grayson’s last blog post..2 Weeks On Raw Food Diet Without Eating Nuts
Mahala,
I enjoyed your post very much. You’ve illustrated the sufferings many people place on themselves, intentionally or unintentionally. To this specific situation, it sounds like a struggle of interests and it seems you weren’t ecstatic with the outcome either.
To my understanding, the worries that trouble you may have to do with your attachment to conditions of the present and possible changes of the future, things that may or may not happen but haven’t yet. There are way too many ‘what ifs’ in life. How many can you possibly ponder and worry over? One can only be as well-prepared for the future as possible, but one must live in the present, and presently, one should be happy and limit suffering. The endless troubling thoughts that bother you creates stress and physical repercussions.
I don’t think it’s a matter of leaping into the unknown, but rather how prepared you are in dealing with situations and still be at peace with what comes your way. And in terms of releasing the attachments, I would suggest you see yourself in a second or even third person’s perspective. What would be the greatest compassionate action you would advise? What is truly a greater good and more beneficial? Or even ask, what would Buddhas and Boddhisattvas do? Maybe with this practice or ‘imitation’ of Buddhas and Boddhisattvas that we will soon be one and making decisions would be a breeze and worry-free.
mahala!
love/compassion! i just love reading your thoughts…so similar to my thoughts and yet different because of life experiences/karma. we do innately hold onto to many attachments within our own minds that cause so much suffering. bless you for sharing your light and wisdom.
i am your 21st comment…
MAHALA you have an abundance of love following you…your words themselves inspire, teach and reach many sentient beings on many levels of spiritual progress! may you always be happy and free from suffering…my wish for you, i take happily and give back freedom from your suffering.
hazel
Thank you Mona, Bess & Hazel for the kind comments you left here some time ago.
Mona ~ You are such an inspiration on the subject of taking good and kind care of oneself. I’m happy to see your vibrant healthy face and hope all your health challenges are behind you now.
Bess ~ When I share my experiences here, I’m not really looking for advice. But I appreciate your thoughts just the same. You mentioned “What would Buddhas or Bodhisattvas do?” That question is always paramount in my mind. Unfortunately in this case it was the principle reason for my complicated thought process as the proposed trip was to receive teachings from my heart’s Lama. (Had this been just a vacation, I simply would have cancelled and rescheduled.) A Buddha or Bodhisattva would make effort for the sake of Dharma without a moments thought to the needs of their body. So, do I emulate them or focus on the physical needs of my body and the repercussions if I travel?
I’m not asking you to answer that question for me. I’m simply pointing out that insights do not always lead to clear cut answers.
Hazel As always, your words warm my heart. Your compassion flows so effortlessly. With palms together _(|)_ I rejoice in your practices and their fruition. May all beings benefit.
Twitter: LuminousHeart
Thank you so much for this post. I keep coming back to it repetedly with different thoughts in mind. It applies so much to everything in my life. It is hard to take the path of adversity, but I do create a lot of my own suffering because I want things to be different, better, whatever, now!
I am sorry for your hardship and hope that things get better for you.
Namaste
Amanda´s last blog ..I Think I’ll Dance
Amanda, thank you! It’s so amazing to think this post continues to feed your thoughts in so many directions. Just yesterday I was thinking how fast everything is moving, how a blog post makes an appearance for a week or two and then disappears forever. It is so gratifying to think that may not be the case.
Thanks, too, for your kind wishes.
Twitter: LuminousHeart
Dave Navarro recommended this post in an email today, and I’m so glad I clicked through. Thank you for writing so eloquently about this subject. I have found that the more I’m able to allow things to be as they are, the happier I’m able to be.
Because I’m an ambitious person, though, with lots of creative desires and goals, it’s a difficult line to walk! I see the power of letting go of attachments, and yet I want to create and achieve! In my own life, I aim to allow things to be as they are, while continually working to move forward.
Challenging, to say the least. And when life throws obstacles in the way, as it invariably does, even more challenging.
I like your idea that taking adversity as the path is far easier than creating suffering in the name of desire.
Thank you!
Melissa Dinwiddie´s last blog ..The Number One Problem Most Artists Have- Plus the Unveiling of My Debt Elimination Project
Twitter: a_creative_life
Melissa, hi! Love your blog and your new ukelele song.
Dave’s post was great, wasn’t it? http://www.rockyourday.com/abandon-your-rescue-fantasy/ It was so generous of him to link to this post of mine.
I expect we’re always going to be walking that line between creating and trying to stay unattached to the outcome. Just as Dave said we need to let go of our rescue fantasies, this is yet another responsibility, isn’t it?
But it does result in more happiness, just as clinging brings more suffering.
“I aim to allow things to be as they are, while continually working to move forward.” Words of wisdom.
Twitter: LuminousHeart