Many years ago I was in the audience while Pema Chodron was giving a public talk. During the question and answer period a young man stood up to ask a question.
I don’t remember the subject, but I do remember it was so outrageously inappropriate an actual gasp rose up from the audience.
Oblivious to our discomfort, the young man continued on for several minutes. When he finally became silent, all eyes turned to Ani Pema Chodron. What could she possibly say in response?
Taking in the question, taking her time, she finally leaned toward the microphone. She looked directly at the young man. Her voice filled with enthusiasm she exclaimed “What an extraordinary question!”
Then she closed her mouth and said nothing. She held the silence for a few moments while it slowly dawned on us she had no plans to say anything further. Then she cheerfully pointed at another raised hand and took the next question.
It was a stunning response. I do not know what the young man took away from that moment, but I know I’m not the only one who received an incredible teaching.
Since then I’ve used variations of that response when it was exactly what was called for. It makes a thundering statement while saying very little, and prevents getting hooked into any ugliness. Used skillfully, it cuts through so cleanly that nothing more needs to be said.
Like anything, it can probably be misused as a tactic when genuine dialog is what’s required. But when you need a skillful answer to a disgraceful question or an inappropriate comment, it works. Even if you’re not Pema Chodron.
Brilliant, Mahala, thanks so much for sharing this teaching! Some questions require no further response.
Love, Hiro
Hiro Boga´s last blog ..Best Friends
I love it!
And my sincere wish is that we can remember this the next time someone asks a question that really doesn’t need more of an answer than that.
Beautiful. Thank you!
Havi Brooks (and duck)´s last blog ..Item! Justify this!
What a powerful response! Silence can be a good response, but it can appear a bit passive aggressive – this takes care of that problem…
Cath
Cath Duncan´s last blog ..Why Resisting Change is Boring
OMG, I love it. I’m mentally tallying up its potential uses as I type. Fabulous.
Naomi Dunford´s last blog ..This Just In: Entrepreneurship Makes You Impotent
Brilliant! What a graceful response, great way to smooth over one of *those* moments.
I can think of a few people I wish I’d used that on in the past (instead of going red-faced and mumbling “errrm”…)
Ali Hale´s last blog ..Reframing Work #1: Ditching Drudgery and the Conventional View of “Work”
It’s such an appropriate response because usually the person who poses an outrageous question in a group like that doesn’t really want an answer, they just want to stir the pot and get some attention.
It’s just perfect. Perfect, I tell you!
Thanks for sharing this. Very useful.
Sparky Firepants´s last blog ..Wackiest client testimonial ever.
Thank you for all your comments and ReTweets on Twitter. I really was not certain I had conveyed the electricity of that moment. I’m so happy you connected to Pema Chodron’s wisdom.
Hiro ~ You are so welcome. That event happened almost 20 years ago and I still remember the shift from uncomfortable to astounded. Pema Chodron had just started teaching, at least publicly, and I didn’t really know what to expect. Her brilliance was evident even then.
Havi (and duck) ~ I was tweaking this when you published your wonderful post on why you charge what you charge. I thought it was so valuable for people struggling with the exact same underminers. (Word? Should be.) At the same time I thought, Pema Chodron’s question will probably be so useful in the future.
Cath ~ Yes! There’s nothing even faintly passive aggressive here. Sometimes silence does speak volumes, but I’ve found this much more potent. It’s clear to the other(s) and also clear to yourself about not getting entangled.
Naomi ~ I was going to send you the link to this post as I know you are a hidden Buddhist of in your own way. Also because I would never think to send you a corsage. I see you found it ahead of that. I can see you wielding this with great enthusiasm.
Ali ~ We all need something like this in our backpack for *those* moments. Hopefully this will serve you well and prevent some of those red-faced mumbling moments.
Sparky Firepants ~ You’re so right. Most of the time people being inappropriate like that are indulging themselves or deeply in need of attention. Unfortunately, just one person like that can hijack the conversation or at least the energy of an entire gathering, blog post and so forth. Pema’s response IS just perfect!
Twitter: LuminousHeart
She was detached. Instead of reacting, just commented on the observation: It was an extraordinary question”. No need to answer it. . This is a gem coming from someone who has inspiring control over her mind.
This story really illustrates what I love about Pema–her kindness and humor and complete imperviousness to nonsense.
Sonia Simone´s last blog ..Are You Sure Your Content MarketingStrategy Is a Good Fit?
An interesting and creative response. Obviously the implication of Pema’s response was that the question wasn’t worth answering, but the compliment makes the implication hidden, thus compassionately cutting off the speaker.
As a lover of clever and compassionate communication, I appreciated this story. Reminds me of the stories of the late, great hypnotherapist Milton Erickson.
Duff´s last blog ..Good News: You Can’t Have it All
I’m in awe of the equanimity and self-possessed calm that Pema Chodron demonstrated in this story. It’s the kind of thing that usually has me thinking “oh, but I could never do that myself.”
But today I’m going to notice that I’m thinking these self-doubting thoughts, and be compassionately curious about them.
“What an extraordinary supposition!” I say to myself. And hold the silence.
Wendy Cholbi´s last blog ..When to delete vs. when to archive (Heart-Centered Tech Tip)
LOVE this. Thank you.
Thank you for posting this, it is so useful and a great way to respond, I wonder what my children will do if I respond with, “What an extraordinary question!” to one of their outrageous questions one day. Just last night my four year old asked me what the baby’s in his balls were doing!?! I wish I had read this post yesterday! Thank you :)
Marilyn´s last blog ..An Epiphany
Pema Chodron is so wise. I am so thankful for her teachings. Thanks for sharing your story.
That is excellent!
Thank you so much for sharing, I will carry it in my bag and hopefully have it present when the exact moment arises ;o)
Maarten Elout´s last blog ..European sweat lodge teachings
It’s an extraordinary response to whatever extraordinary question.
[...] my previous post, I wrote about Pema Chodron’s brilliant response to a wildly inappropriate question that made the rest of the audience [...]
Meryl333 ~ Thank you so much for bringing up the word “detached.” So much of what we do is reacting. Pema Chodron inspires our potential to work differently with our minds.
Sonia ~ You’ve described her so perfectly! “kindness, humor and complete imperviousness to nonsense”
Duff ~ Sitting in the audience, I don’t think there was any sense her reply was a compliment. Not even to the young man. It was pure “cutting through” perfection.
I don’t really remember anything about Erickson’s work. If you see this reply, would be happy to have you elaborate on what made the connection for you with Pema Chodron.
Wendy ~ I LOVE how you have picked this up for working directly with your own mind. “What an extraordinary supposition!” Brilliant.
Laura ~ You’re so welcome. I thought you might like this.
Marilyn ~ I have a feeling this won’t work with four-year-olds. I think you’ve signed on for answering at least 200thousand extraordinary questions.
Debbie ~ I feel so fortunate to have Pema Chodrons’ teachings, too.
Maarten ~ Keeping her response in my backpack has served me well. I’m sure you’ll be ready, too, when the moment for taking it out arises.
Stephanie ~ Thank you for reading and commenting.
Twitter: LuminousHeart
Yes. Sometimes I prefer to use the short version:
Wow.
[Works when said gently and compassionately, same as the other statement. If you respond with any negative emotion in voice or body, it doesn't matter what you say. You've already lost the Big Game.]
I learned from an old and very old-fashioned friend to reply to rude questions with “Why do you ask?” It pauses conversation and acknowledges at the same time that there is a pinch for me in the interaction. I’ve learned, though, only to ask it when I’m willing to hear the answer–because sometimes people are perfectly willing to keep wading forward as the conversational waters deepen!
Twitter: melyndahuskey
That’s great! It’s something I can imagine using!
I hae just in the last couple of days discovered Pema Chodorn. The page “The shenpa syndrome” on her website is the first ray of hope I’ve had for a spiritual path out of the pain of my life I’ve found in many, many years. I stumbled on your blog looking for her. And now I have the response to a student essay that completely misses the point of the assignment.
Harold Knight´s last blog ..Pema Chödrön and the Granite World of Halibut Point