There’s a Buddhist practice I’ve been working with a lot lately. The Tibetan word for it is shenpa.
Most of the time shenpa is translated as “attachment.” Pema Chodron translates it as hooked, or how we get hooked. She compares it to an itch we can’t help but scratch.
Here’s a basic example of shenpa: Somebody makes a comment that rubs you the wrong way and something inside you tenses. That’s shenpa, you just got hooked.
But it doesn’t stop there. It works like a chain reaction. You get hooked and then you start running a little story in your mind. Maybe you put yourself down. Then you blame the other person. You ask yourself why you even care what they say. You wonder why you haven’t learned, why set yourself up for this all the time. Then you think more bad thoughts about the other person. The narrative just hums along and the next thing you know you’re eating a pint of ice cream without even tasting it. Or shouting or withdrawing or whatever your automatic fallback response is when you’re heading for your comfort zone.
Unless you’re familiar with shenpa, it can be pretty subtle most of the time. You get hooked, you run your usual habitual responses without even noticing, and you carry on with you day
That is, until Shenpa hits a powerfully sore spot and you experience hook after piercing hook.
This is why holidays hurt. They’re practically shenpa symposiums. During holidays and special occasions there’s zero subtlety. Expectations are hyped and energy is overextended. Old family patterns are in full swing. Insecurities are running wild, with the people who push your buttons in hot pursuit.
Suddenly Shenpa is like getting stung by a scorpion. You know exactly why you’re having another drink. You know exactly why you feel like crying. You know exactly why you’re sneaking off to spend time on the computer. The narrative in your head is non-stop and you are likely to be running it for the next 24 hours if not the next 2 weeks.
This is hard. It’s miserable. It’s something too many of us experience when every (shenpa) advertisement, expectation and made-for-tv movie tells us we’re supposed to be feeling comfort and joy. Lots of joy.
Let’s try something different this holiday season. Let’s see if we can learn to spot it as it’s first arising, and stop the shenpa chain reaction before it starts, before things blow up and people get hurt.
Join me for a special program, Surviving Celebrations: Getting through the holidays with your (mental) health and happiness.
I’ll have full details for you next week. For now let me say it’s going to be a combination of recorded and live calls, and maybe a bonus or two.
I’m completely enamored with the idea of sharing some tools and practices to help you make it through to 2010 with your happiness intact.
[Registration is closed. Program is expected to open next year in early November. While you're waiting, you may want to read this post Develop Self Compassion: Meditation instructions for working with the breath. It will help you work with shenpa when it arises.]
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Hi Mahala
Wow – I’ve just been listening to Pema on shenpa this week.
In fact, I have half a shenpa post written (it was going to be an item in my Friday list, but it got bigger!).
It’s been such a useful concept for me as, by noticing the shenpa, it stops my mind going down a sourcing rabbit hole *whilst still following the chain*.
I can notice the shenpa and then come back.
Er. Sometimes.
Signed up!
Andrew Lightheart @alightheart´s last blog ..Friday list #4 – When people talk they’re saying things
Supernaturally timely. That’s all I’ve got to say. (but if you listen, you’ll be able to hear the X-Files theme song playing while you read this. That’s how timely it is.)
Hurrah!
Twitter: melyndahuskey
Andrew ~ I’m looking forward to reading your post. Please give me a nudge on Twitter via DM or @LuminousHeart when you’ve got it online.
I, too, am finding working with shenpa supremely useful. Do I notice & come back? Sometimes I notice and realize (drama. shenpa.) I don’t want to come back.
Melynda ~ Supernaturally timely. I love the sound of that. Not that I’m hooked, mind you.
Keep the sign-ups coming, people. You are really helping me dive into this. I think it’s going to be a great – and extremely useful – program.
Twitter: LuminousHeart
Agree with the timely aspect of this post! I’m absolutely not familiar with Shepna nor Buddhist practice; however, I saw it in play just this Thanksgiving.
I went to my in laws and found myself feeling in great peril, suffocated by their needs for me to perform a daughterly role in the family. The chain started and kept hitting other feelings within, but I somehow came out of it by being playful (okay, even a little weird;-).
I wrote a post about what I did to own my self at a time when it’s difficult to filter others’ needs, especially come the holidays.
Glad to have found this blog!
Lydia, Clueless Crafter´s last blog ..What-if Holidays
The label I use is “triggered” and it so, so, so true that this comes around more with my family than anywhere else these days. I took the learned “hooks” with me into the world and constructed my relationships to replicate those in my family… making unconscious choices, acting from “the story” almost all of the time. I am so grateful for all the places along the way (12 step, Quaker Meeting, Woman Within, etc.) that I found the tools to recover, to wake up, to live life consciously. Now, most of the time I aware of when I am triggered, what is the story I am telling myself, and can chose my my next action from an empowered adult place… still, I do struggle with this in my family of origin more than any place else. I think that the connection to the old way of being in relationships is still very strong here and it is not only my own cells that remember how “the dance” goes it is everyone else as well. What I chose to focus on is how much better it is today than last year, and I affirm that it will be even better next holiday season.
Thank you for your post… I am going to take the word “shenpa” and explore it more. I imagine it will be yet another little gem that allows me to gain an even deeper understanding of awareness and presence in the moment.
Have a wonderful and blessed holiday season.
Dear Mahala,
Last day I did not have time to read my mails propoly
Now today a spend the time to read and give my comment.
So I could understand what shenpa means.
That happen in the preparation of Holiday.
Not everyone can do all that spend of money.
Parents that cannot give their children all the gifts
for the holidays.
It give a lot of people sarrow in place of be happy and grateful.
SHENPA I understand it.
Here on my Island today they celebrate St. Claus.
A lot of children and parents pass this difficult today
because they can give the gifts that the children would expect from them.
Holidays are nice but there are many things that happen that is SHENPA.
Thanks Mahala it was a nice massage.
Hello Mahala, I love this post. What a great introduction to shenpa. Wish I could say that I’ve been practicing long enough that shenpa wasn’t much of an issue, but I just went into the garage and grabbed two anise cookies to ground my emotions!!!
Yes, I DO know exactly why I went for them. But WHY didn’t I do something more positive? What would be even better, would be if the emotion didn’t HOOK me so that I was looking for something to soften it.
You are totally right on. Here’s to living shenpa-free lives. :-)