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Category Archives: Love Over Limitation

Help Wanted

by Mahala Mazerov - 15 Comments

I’ve been sending prayer requests into the ether ever since I became a shaman, ever since I realized you could fling hopes and dreams into the air and reality would somehow reshape itself. Something would happen. Exactly how that something appeared was a mystery, but the results were unmistakable.

This has been a private practice of mine, until now. Over at her Fluent Self blog, Havi has been writing what she calls personal ads and inviting others to join in.

Today I was finally hopeful enough or desperate enough to post my own. After I hit the Submit Comment button and watched my missive publish on her page, I realized there was only 1 slightly more courageous act to take. That is to publish it here.

Holding my aching heart with love, taking a breath, and trusting the kindness you have all already shown me… Here is what I pray for. I am ready to receive what I ask for and more.

Want: A BIG Want:

In spite (because of?) of 20 years with a brain injury, an autoimmune illness and now adrenal fatigue the joy in my heart continues to surface and expand.

I *know* people want to feel this and I can help them experience this. (Time-tested 2500 year old Buddhist practices that are non-denominational.) This takes effort, attention but so much better than letting mind emotions run away with you and create unhappiness.

I asked my beloved Teacher 4 years ago (!) for permission to teach and he was and continues to be astonishingly supportive.

My problem? Besides the usual inner layers of stuck to strip away, I have less than 5 functional hours a day to do everything life requires. eg, Days I can do 1 load of laundry requires a rest and meals prepped ahead of time. Writing a blog post? Let’s not even count the hours.

I keep trying to implement various processes to bring this forward. I do believe some of the issue has been not staying with one process long enough, but that’s also tied to running out of steam.

I want to find a way that is life sustainable for me to share these profoundly beautiful practices. To put something out there, engage, repeat, connect, repeat in a way that works with my own energy (or lack thereof.)

How I want to get it: I’m not looking for “OMG how awful!” My life is pretty amazing actually, just miles away from most people’s experience. On the flip side it doesn’t help to hear someone knows *exactly* what I’m going through because of X. They don’t. I have heard of Stroke of Insight Woman Jill Bolte Taylor, am delighted about her, but it doesn’t help me share this beautiful work. Ditto other inspiring people.

I appreciate respect for the crucible of my life, and understanding of how it creates perfect conditions for a rich inner life of love and compassion. If you have a story that connects, I’m happy to listen. But, again, what I’m really looking for today is a way to move the how to live and love and grow no matter the circumstances into the world.

How can this GIFT come to me:

On thing for certain, trying to do this all by myself creates Impossibility Number 1. I think I need real-world helper mice who totally believe in love and compassion and are ready to champion the cause along with me.

A possibility would be someone to invite me into their space, their program, retreat, etc, or doing an interview, or co-creating something so the “container” is there and I’m just pouring these blessings into it.

But I’m open. W-i-d-e open.

My commitment:

I’m at the point in my life (age 53) where sharing this work means everything to me. I’ve had years as a hermit and a mystic and that could still be an option. In my heart it just doesn’t feel like it’s what I’m supposed to be doing now.

I’m committed to sticking with this for as long as it takes, and I’m prepared for it to take years.

Thanks Havi. Thanks everyone!

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Suffering By Desire

by Mahala Mazerov - 29 Comments

At the most basic level, the definition of suffering is wanting things to be different than the way they are.

We crave things we don’t have. We try to push away things we have but don’t want. In these ways we unintentionally create our own suffering.

I live with a brain injury that significantly influences my life energy. In addition, I’m dealing with new health challenges that have left me extremely limited since January.

Until recently, I was okay with things as they were. Not okay in that it was what I wanted. But okay meaning I wasn’t banging up against resistance or great discouragement.

I didn’t love my situation. But I was able to see it as a matter of going step-by-step, doing one thing at a time. Things weren’t fun. But I wasn’t expending additional energy battling against my situation or wanting things to be different.

In Buddhist practice, we are reminded again and again we can take adversity as the path. In other words, we can face adversity, bow to it, and use it as a means of cultivation.

My daily challenge has been to embrace the shifting experiences as best I can, take the hardship as fuel for love, compassion and patience. As a believer in karma, I also see it as an opportunity to purify past actions.

On the outside, yes, my life was significantly limited. But in inner terms of heart and mind I was doing pretty well.

Until two weeks ago.

What changed was I suddenly wanted things to be different. My beloved Garchen Rinpoche is teaching in Boston in mid-June and I wanted to be there. I planned to be there. I was going to see Rinpoche, meet a friend coming down from Vermont, walk the streets of Boston and Cambridge where I lived 14 years ago, catch up with dear friend I hadn’t seen since then, meet a twitter playmate face to face for the first time…

I had time in the schedule for rest and quiet, but I was envisioning great energy, relaxed meals in good company, and joyful dharma.

All of which meant taking things one step at a time was no longer good enough. No longer acceptable. I wanted energy to travel. I wanted to not be short of breath with the slightest exertion. I wanted to breeze through crowded airports, thrive in a bustling meditation center. I wanted to be up and about and functional and energetic instead falling down with exhaustion. I wanted to not need control over my environment or assurances of peace and quiet or guaranteed gluten free food.

I wanted things to be different than they actually are.

Wanted, wanted, wanted, wanted.

Do you see? I’m not saying there is anything wrong with wanting things to be different. I’m talking about the results of those desires.

I watched my mind become entangled with these concepts of I need, I want. I observed. But I couldn’t stop them. I flip flopped between wanting to go and deciding I needed to stay. I wondered if it was just a matter of trusting things would work out, all the while feeling life was falling apart. What was the difference between being exhausted here and exhausted there? I wouldn’t have my own bed. I would have Rinpoche and Buddhist teachings. Maybe seeing him was the best possible thing for me. And having a bit of a vacation. And seeing friends.

For over 5 intensely difficult months my mental landscape had been relatively calm. Now I watched my thoughts spin out, creating stress and unhappiness. Creating suffering. My mental landscape obscured by dust storms.

Just as suddenly, the storms subsided. Two days ago my doctor made a strong recommendation against travel. I made the decision to accept the disappointment of canceled plans and took her advice.

The disappointment is not easy.

I’m coming back to taking things as they are, and that’s decidedly not easy either. But I have a feeling taking adversity as the path is far easier than creating suffering in the name of desire.

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Who We Become

by Mahala Mazerov - 20 Comments

It’s so strange to reconcile all the changes we go through in our lives. How easy it is to forget about pain, until suddenly we (or someone we love) are engulfed in hardship.

My meditation practice is filled with wishes of “May You Be Happy.” And that is what I want for everyone, happiness in all it’s forms. But, speaking from personal experience, my life became more clear and more powerful through my pain. I want to give voice to the potential that lies within those experiences.

We don’t have the ability to control our circumstances in any given moment. But we always have choices in how we respond.

We get to choose who we are and who we become.

Maybe we have to make that choice more than once. Maybe we have to keep re-inventing ourselves, especially when life turns upside down.

What do we do when we don’t know who we are? Or when we can’t be who and what we want to be? How do we find security in the middle of loss or change or lack of control?

Meditation, specifically heart meditation on love and compassion, became my lifeline through my darkest days. It helped me stay in contact with daily reality. At the same time, it showed me something much bigger. Pure love, the ground of our being.

When you hear the word meditation, you may have some kind of image in your head. But I’m talking about more than sitting on a cushion. Meditation is continual process of greeting mind and heart. It may mean sitting. Just as often it includes engaging awareness “on the spot” throughout the day.

I understand suffering. Right now your wish may be as direct as freedom from fear, grief, or anger. You may need a break, the blessing of one single moment of ease. You may feel the most you can hope for is less stress and a little peace of mind.

Meditation will help you find a quality of spaciousness you didn’t know you possessed. Space to rest and heal, clarity to face what is real for you, compassion for yourself and for others.

Meditation provides a vehicle, a chariot, for transformation. You can hope for more than stress-relief. Make room to shift beyond self-grasping to discovering comfort in the world. Make room to become who you are inside, regardless of outer circumstances. Believe, for just a moment, you can develop a heartfelt connection with all beings

Loving-kindness meditation is a good place to start. Begin by developing genuine, unconditional love for yourself and expand it in every widening circles.

In time, something unexpected and almost magical will happen. As your capacity for compassion deepens, you’ll begin to experience a quality of love beyond anything you’ve ever known. You’ll catch a glimpse of what it must be like to have the heart and mind of a great leader or spiritual master.

Your clear mind, your unobstructed heart is not different from these great Teachers.

You, we (!) can become a source of blessings in these times.

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